I refuse to commit karmic crime by Elisabeth Corey

Elisabeth and her children.

The universal law of attraction makes it impossible for one traumatized person to attract a partner without trauma. Therefore, for an unrecovered trauma survivor, marriage is not an intimate relationship. Marriage is more like an arrangement between two adults who are not willing to open their hearts to another person. “Let’s live in the same house. We might even have kids. But don’t ask me to love you. I am not capable of that. My heart has been ground up and spit out.” I know that’s not a lovely image, but it’s accurate.

The closest I came to a relationship with moments of true intimacy was my last relationship with my ex-husband and my children’s father. There were moments which were almost vulnerable. There were moments which seemed like an authentic connection might have been made. If children had not appeared on the scene, we might have convinced others (and ourselves) that our relationship was the real deal. But the twins stopped that train in its tracks.

Children provide all the necessary triggers to make a survivor want to throw themselves off a bridge. The pain starts as soon as the child reaches the age of the survivor when the abuse began. And that pain is intense. My ex-husband and I had both suffered severe abuse, so our triggers started very early. I chose a path of recovery. My ex chose a path of self-destruction. He walked out, eventually moving back in with his childhood abusers, and taking his own life.

When I think about our marriage, I realize that we never had a chance. Our relationship was the epitome of enmeshment, co-dependence, addiction and enablement. And the house of cards came crashing down as soon as the two new heartbeats came through the front door. I sometimes wonder how it could have been different. Why didn’t I walk away when he first started showing signs of addiction? Why didn’t I know that kids would be a bad idea? Why didn’t I know he would run away when I told him to take responsibility? Why didn’t I realize that he would walk back in to the lion’s den when he left us?

I could have stopped the madness so many times. But we had an arrangement. We had an agreement. No matter how dysfunctional it became, we were supposed to stand by our promise. Of course, in the end, he didn’t. The pain was too much. Sometimes, I look at the empty chair and ask, “Why didn’t you make another choice?” “Why didn’t you make my choice?” I don’t regret the end of our relationship, but I do regret that my children will never remember their father.

My relationship with my ex-husband was not about intimacy. It was about what not to do. I learned that there is no substitute for vulnerability and openness in relationships. There is no shortcut. The only true path is healing. I don’t know if I will heal enough for an intimate relationship, but I like to think I will. I may not know what to do, but I know what not to do.

In the meantime, I have been working at establishing trust in relationships through a crash course in unconditional love.  The teachers are my children.  I have learned that refusing to open my heart to my children is the greatest karmic crime I can commit.  I realize that my ex-husband made a choice that I was never meant to make.  I am not here to pass my trauma to my children. I am here to break the cycle.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s messy.  Every day, I learn what not to do (usually by doing it first).  The good news is my kids are wired to forgive.  So, we keep moving forward.  We are teaching each other how to be a real family … the kind of family I have always wanted.

About Elisabeth: Elisabeth is a survivor of family-controlled child sex trafficking and ritual sex abuse.  Her education in social work and her personal experiences as a survivor inform her intimate discussion about the biological, psychological, social and spiritual aspects of trauma recovery, which she discusses on her blog and facebook page.  She writes about breaking the cycle of abuse through conscious parenting, navigating intimate relationships as a survivor, balancing the memory recovery process with daily life, coping with self-doubt, and overcoming the physical symptoms of a traumatic childhood.

Click on the links to find more of The Double Parent on facebook and Twitter.

*I have created TDP – Your Stories as a safe space for readers to share about life as  double parent.  I’m calling this space “Your Stories” because I hope many of you will be share your stories, questions, inspiration, struggles, tears, triumphs etc so that we all may glean from and contribute to the collective wisdom. Please feel free to comment and if you would like to share your story then please contact me by clicking here.

Compromise by Jen Papp

Jen and her kids.

*While together as a couple, my ex and I rarely agreed on anything and our relationship was not much of a relationship. We weren’t friends, we didn‘t relate, and there was no give and take. We eventually realized that after trying all types of glue nothing would hold us together. We had two beautiful children who, at the time, were aged of 2.5 and 4, and we both felt that it was better go our separate ways before the kids got any older. Our split was very amicable and there was no abuse or trauma involved, so it was relatively easy. We verbally agreed to equally share custody since we both wanted to see them the same amount of time. It seemed to me that the lack of relationship that had caused us to part had started to come together.

We also agreed on the amount of child support I was going to receive each month. I wasn’t aware that it was legally supposed to be much more than what we had agreed on, but the amount was enough for me at the time, and it was agreed that it would be discussed again after a while. Well, four years passed and the amount did not increase, not even after I made a few attempts to discuss this and I started to wonder if it ever would. Truthfully, I lived in a bit of fear wondering if I should rock that boat or not.  After all, the boat was floating nicely and no one was complaining of sea-sickness or even grabbing for a life jacket. The fear I had was fear of what it might do to the integrity of the boat. And let’s face it I could’ve rocked that boat. I could have sunk that ship. I could’ve been that bitch he was waiting for me to be.

Finally, the day came when I grew a set of balls and marched myself into a lawyer’s office and asked what my rights were as a single parent.  The lawyer told me news that I wasn’t all that surprised about and I was left to make a choice. I could either let my ex know that he needed to start paying me more or a lawyer was going to get involved and it wasn’t going to be fun. I confronted my ex and, needless to say, it didn’t go as I had hoped – which wasn’t really a surprise, now that I had woken up from my daydream.  I had pictured him handing me over a sweepstakes cheque a la Ed McMahon and then walking straight to the bank with all my money. That didn’t happen. After a twenty minute discussion with my ex, reality woke me up again, and I drove home wondering what to do. He said that he would think about things but that he had his own expenses and that an extra five-hundred dollars a month would not be something he could handle. 

About an hour later, I got a phone call from him – a really nice phone call. He told me he could help me.  He said he could do whatever I needed except for handing me over a cheque for the amount I quoted him. He said he could do whatever I needed in terms of helping out with picking up kids if I needed to work extra hours or giving me extra to buy clothes or food. And truthfully, this conversation started making me feel better. An hour ago I was seriously thinking that the next time we’d see each other would be in a court room. But did I really want to go down that road?

Things had been pretty good over the past 4 years. The kids were happy and they had everything they needed. They participated in activities, went on trips, and they weren’t suffering in the least. This thought of needing to get revenge or get what’s mine started to dissipate. That wasn’t what mattered to me. I teetered on that for a while, but when I looked at the big picture I knew the answer. To go through a huge stressful court battle that would only be a bad storm to weather was not something I was prepared to do, especially, when the situation was as good as it was or as it could be. I asked myself what mattered (to me) most. The children are happy and have what they need. That is all I need. And so we live on with our lives, and while we may not all be in one boat, we are sailing together without running aground.

About Jen: I am a mother of two kids. I have a son who is 5 and my daughter is 8. They live with me half the time and then with their dad the other. We’ve been apart for about 4 years but have come together in so many ways. We are still a family unit and help each other as best as we can. It’s not how I dreamed it would be, but our kids are thriving and very happy. I work as an Education Assistant to children with special-needs in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada. I am an amateur, self-taught photographer, an artist, and nature enthusiast. I love my guitar and also plan take up the violin! I feel like I am at a crossroads in life as I will soon be 40 – so many good things are happening and my interests are expanding. Life is just beginning!

Click on the links to find more of The Double Parent on facebook and Twitter.

*I have created TDP – Your Stories as a safe space for readers to share about life as  double parent.  I’m calling this space “Your Stories” because I hope many of you will be share your stories, questions, inspiration, struggles, tears, triumphs etc so that we all may glean from and contribute to the collective wisdom. Please feel free to comment and if you would like to share your story then please contact me by clicking here.