Is Suzanne Venker advocating marital rape…?

how to choose a husbandShe has written extensively about politics, parenting, and the influence of feminism on American society for more than a decade. But, reading Suzanne Venker’s post the top 10 dos and don’t’s of wifedom, has left me nothing short of stunned. The list’s introduction reads: “Below are my top 10 Dos and Don’ts for being a good wife. They are not (naturally) politically correct, but they work. I do not address men here, only women. So don’t come back with, “What about him? What does he have to do?” My book, How to Choose a Husband, speaks to women, not men, and that’s where this list comes from.”

Number 1 on the list had my jaw drop and my chin bang hard on the floor: “When it isn’t absolutely necessary to speak up, don’t. Silence can be golden.” I did a quick check of my iPhone calendar and discoverd that it was, in fact, 2013. The days of women being silent are long gone. She may as well have said that women should only speak when spoken to or should be seen and not heard. It’s statements like those of this list that make me wonder if the single biggest obstacle to feminism and equality isn’t men/patriarchal society but other women.

Otherwise known as rape!

Number one on the list may well have had my heart racing, but number 2 on the list caused it to come to a complete and grinding halt! Number 2 advises us women to “Have regular sex, even if it’s just a quickie and you’re not in the mood.” Here it is again in case you didn’t quite grasp its meaning the first time: “Have regular sex, even if it’s just a quickie and you’re not in the mood.” In my opinion, she is advising women to have sex with their husbands when they don’t want to. Um, there’s a word for having sex when you don’t want to – rape! More specifially, marital rape.

The rest of her dos and don’ts are a sick joke – they have to be. Read them here, if you think your heart can handle the craziness. I know she says they aren’t politically correct, but what she wrote after that terrifies me – “it works”. It works to have sex with your husband when you’d rather not? Ladies, I beg of you, NEVER HAVE SEX WHEN YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE IT. I can’t stress that enough. Have sex when you and your partner BOTH want it. Don’t have sex just to please your partner.

There is so much I could say about this list, but I won’t. I’ve actually been known, in the past, to agree with Venker on a few points – but honestly, I am reeling. I’m raising two daughters and I have to wonder about a society, a culture that first teaches young women “don’t have sex until you’re married” and then when you are married “have sex when you don’t want to”. What kind of a fucked-up sex education is that to give our daughters, our young women, our future women leaders? What does it teach our sons, our young men, our future men leaders? Well, it teaches them that men can have sex whenever they want and never mind what the woman wants, thinks or feels. (The correct terminology for that is rape culture.)

It is time to stop this craziness once and for all.

Here is my by no means exhaustive guide to rape and sexual assualt and rape culture.

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54 thoughts on “Is Suzanne Venker advocating marital rape…?

  1. Through my own writing I have explored whether other women act as the barrier to the progress of ‘feminism’; and I believe they do. Some women’s behaviour towards other women can be archaic – bitchiness, competition, popularity contests, fighting to be the most sexually attractive, aggression and game playing (such as trying to poach other women’s boyfriends for fun, making comments to lower other women’s self esteem, playing ‘alpha’ female as though they belonged to an animal pack not a group of developed human beings). Women hate other women for being other women, because other women threaten their dominance, supremacy and standing in the social group. Watch women’s eyes when an attractive female enters the room; if looks could kill. I don’t understand it or adhere to such behaviour, but some women do. I have spoken to groups of women, and they all report the same behaviour and concur – women are their own worst enemies to progress and development.


  2. I couldn’t agree more. How many times have you heard a woman say that she would rather work with a group of men than a group of women??? Too many, I’m sure.


  3. Exactly so, too many times and it is such as shame. Why do women do this to themselves, as it doesn’t make for a happy existence; I despair!


  4. I have two daughters, and this is exactly the kind of girls/women I am raising them not to be. I can’t stand when women are jealous and competitive.

    If women were able to stop this behaviour, and TRUST other women, the world would be a completely different place for women.


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